Pushing too far

So, we have reached the fork in the road in this rebuilding. I can choose to either stop bringing the affair up and move on without further discussion, or head down the divorce path.  This is his ultimatum.

Part of our recovery and healing process for me is talking about what happened, why and what to do to stop this happening again in our relationship. I need his support, but he has declared he can no longer do this.  He is not prepared to listen and answer similar questions while I get upset again.  I cannot see how to move on by putting a lid on the box,  but I will lose the man I love, the man I dreamed and wished for,  if I push.

Through counselling, a communication hour one night per week (Wednesday at 7:30pm) was made part of our routine.  The counsellor advised every relationship should have this.  The time and day of the week agreed on is not negotiable. It should not be missed but can only on occasions be shifted if something important interferes with our “appointment”.  If there is nothing to discuss, then just sitting with each other, talking, perhaps listening to music, reading etc, but committing that hour to each other and the relationship is still mandatory.  I love this hour. It’s mine with him.  I look forward to it.  He doesn’t.

Usually in my discussions, the not so good usually reflect my inner pain and confusion of him having sex with someone else outside our marriage. Of course, I still have many moments of sadness, insecurity, anxiety, bitterness and pain and I want to discuss this, get it out, deal with it and hopefully him backing that up with promise of never repeating what he did and repeat to me that he loves and cares about me.

I’ve found with each week, more is dealt with and put away.  I feel I am chipping away at the mountain of pain, confusion, and betrayal. Increasingly too, he is showing more affection which he knows I need, like kisses, hugs, holding my hand while we watch TV or drive somewhere, foot rubs sending me text messages when he is at work, bringing me a coffee to work if he is working in the area and thoughtful things like this. These things all help with my anxiety and I feel reassured he loves me, since he rarely ever speaks those words.

He stated in this Wednesday’s meeting, that the past  week had been good and he was feeling better as he gets everything out including the secrets and his feelings. I found this wonderful for him. We then discuss moments during the past week in our relationship which for both of us has been good and our road trip we took during this time. Somehow, the conversation swung around to the OW and her as a person, her behaviour, their affair and he said something that flew up a red flag for me. A statement that contradicted the timing of this affair and I questioned him on this. He had no clue really but what he said did prove it was happening much earlier. He demanded he could not remember dates, or the month or even year it started and tries to dismiss it all as irrelevant. The information he revealed proved it started much earlier than first thought by me and is  shattering.  I felt like I was dealing with it all over again, almost like another affair had happened. For a moment, it makes sense to include that extra 6-10 months given I remembered his mood at the time around home.  

My emotions took over. I began crying uncontrollably and the pain in my chest intensified. He became angry and said he cannot remember exactly when it started, “so let’s just say it was 10 years to cover all bases and get over it” was his reply. I was shocked at this statement and asked “was it 10 yrs” ?  “No” he yelled, but I just said that so you will stop asking. “I don’t remember, and you can’t let it go”. “It means nothing to me, she means nothing to me and I want to put it behind me and never think of it again”, he continued angrily. I continued to cry and he sat their starring at the wall listening to the clock tick.

The conversation hour ended and I sat there stunned while the TV was turned on and he watched it, appearing to not notice me anymore. I starred at TV for a short while and decided to head to bed, emotionally exhausted. It was more than an hour before he came up to bed, got in and rolled over.  

I must have drifted off to sleep soon after only to wake about midnight. There I lay till dawn, going over the words he spoke, imagining their meetings and working out things that happened in our life another year before. Dates, moments flew into my mind. I cried now and then. Another chunk of my marriage is fake to me. Another dagger driven into my heart. I wondered how I will ever get to a point that I will feel happy again in my marriage.

Thoughts of kicking him out again returned, but then I realised, he has done no more damaged in reality, and has been trying to be supportive, truthful and committed to this process till now. The dark time of our marriage that has has shifted and lengthened to what I thought it was and I wonder if I can accept this extension of his infidelity as I have tried to accept the infidelity itself.  

Thursday is a dull numbing day for me and I spend much of it crying, thinking, wondering and contemplating my future. He comes home to work around Noon and I am feeling low. I decided to ask him for some time for a chat and said I was feeling terrible and wanted to clear things up between us.  He reluctantly agrees, telling me to sit and say what I have to while he continues to work.  I start by saying it was a shock that it was longer but he interrupts, repeats that we should call it 10 years so that I don’t ask dates anymore.  He states there will be no more communication nights  and says I either stop all this and move on or we will just get a divorce and be done with it!  I refuse to call it 10 years when it wasnt. That is just too hard but in my mind I have lengthened the time frame again. He continues to work, ignoring me so I leave the room. He leaves around 3pm, and gives me a quick kiss and says “See you later Pet”, like nothing has happened! I start to tear up but this annoys him so I try to hide it and clear my throat so I sound normal when I say goodbye to him also. 

The evening is quiet but i feel exhausted and depressed so lay on the lounge watching TV while he sits nearby.  I head to bed early as I am exhausted taking something to ensure I sleep OK and hope that the next day will be better with sleep. 

He is up early this morning, Friday for a 4 meeting interstate and gives me a quick kiss as I lay in bed on his way out at 5:30am.

The morning is difficult for me and I still feel depressed and upset. I call the counsellor to share the developments but again become upset, so insists I come straight over to see him.  He is disappointed my H has called off our communication hour and explains why what I am going through is normal, but then explains my husband’s mood and what it might have been during the affair and what it would be now the secret is out. It all makes sense.

The key though to moving on with our marriage though does hinge on my H supporting me through this recovery, committing to our relationship and since he is now refusing those important steps, the counsellor is concerned too. He agrees I cannot just bottle it up and the support must continue.  Perhaps if my H attends our scheduled counselling session mid July, things can be put back on track, but I wonder if he will go now.

Upset still, I head to the gym for a 2 hr workout. It’s good and arriving home I feel a little less emotional and decide tidy and clean the house, and make myself look fresher since my eyes look dark and hair flat, before my husband arrives home.  This might help keep me in a brighter mood where I can talk about normal things and hopefully get back to where we were before our communication hour.  

OMG, he just sent a text. His meeting should have finished. The message reads ‘Still in meeting. Miss you xxx’.
I’m in tears again and reply, I miss you too xxx

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About shattered27

In my 27th year of Marriage, I discovered my husband had an affair lasting 18 months, perhaps more than 2yrs. My DDay was March 7th, 2013. On April 5th we both agreed to try and rebuild our marriage. From that moment, my world became a battle. A battle within my mind. One part of me wanting to kick him out of my life, while another part wanting to hang on with all my strength because I still and always had, loved him so much and wanted my family to stay together. I believe rebuilding is possible. This is my journey.
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7 Responses to Pushing too far

  1. bombladoze says:

    Hiya 😀 I can totally relate to your reaction at hearing the affair was possibly longer than you had believed until now. Im really worried about what will happen to me mentally and emotionally if or when i find out that things arent what i thought they were, because ive done a lot of work until now and i fear that some new detail is going to send me right back to the beginning. I dont want to go there. Its so hard and i just want to get on with things. So i have to decide, do i want to know more? I really really dont to be honest. But im scared that something is just going to slip out or be discovered accidentally, while i know now that i will be able to handle it (eventually), because this whole thing didnt kill me like i thought it would. i honestly dont want to go through it again.

    Im rather offended on your behalf that your husband would give you an ultimatum… Perhaps he just needs reassurance that you havent gone all the way back to day one and while youre prepared to work through it, its still going to take some time to do that…

    Ive just started writing a timeline of sorts, *my* version of events up to now. I think after reading your post im going to ask if i can give it to him, and see if he can agree to accepting my story… as, well, a sort of ‘official’ version…

    • shattered27 says:

      Hi and thanks
      I think as he feels better that the secrets are out and the “fog in his head” being depression lifts, he has let his guard down and unconsciously during our talks, information is coming out even he is unaware of that is significant to me. In reality, he has done no more wrong, says he wishes it never happened, and cannot understand why he did that, for so long might I add, but it hurts to find out new information.
      He lacks empathy and not an emotional person at all, but realises me being upset means he has hurt me and he doesn’t like that, so cant handle that part. This maybe why he threatened to end our marriage so he doesn’t have to keep facing up to what he did. He has told me more in the past 2 weeks that he loves me than he has in 27 years of marriage, including last night, so I believe he does want us to recover.
      However, it’s taken me an urgent counsellor appointment, talking to a friend and 4 days to feel good again, though not where I was before our meeting Wednesday. He is much better and more attentive today. I told him today of things I need in relation to affection and consideration to help me further along the recovery journey and to bring us closer again and he is trying.

  2. Pingback: Farewell | Comfortably Numb

  3. bubsyd says:

    Sorry, I’ve only just read this. I’ve had a lot on recently and not been blogging much.

    I’m shocked your H is being so insensitive. A time line is so important because we need to know how many significant things have been affected by their lies and infidelity. Every anniversary, every present, every birthday, every holiday, every special moment isn’t quite so special anymore. All of a sudden everything is different, it now means something else. I recently discovered my H had been talking to women online since May 2009! I have gone over everything that we’ve done as a family, as a couple in the last four years and have realised that none of it has any meaning to me now. I just feel a deep sense of loss about a whole third of my marriage. It’s sobering to say the least. Your H needs to understand this but if he won’t listen then I don’t really know how you get through to him. Do you think time by himself to think about all the shit he’s put you through might do him good? If he’s threatening divorce (which sounds like a totally empty threat to me) then maybe you should call his bluff?! I threatened divorce, I even contacted a lawyer and forwarded the email to my H. I’ve thrown him out, I’ve attacked him, I’ve thrown countless glasses of wine in his face. I even threw a massive box of chocolates over his head at christmas 🙂 , I even threatened him with a polygraph test to get the truth out of him. My point is that you have to do what you have to do to get yourself through all of this. If he’s not going to be there for you, if he’s going to try to sweep what he did under the carpet then perhaps time by himself (for a while anyway) might make him see how much he needs you, loves you and wants to be with you. You won’t be any worse off if he’s trying to detach himself from the situation anyway.

    Just my pennies worth.

    I hope things are better for you this week xx

    • shattered27 says:

      Thanks for your thoughts.I agree with the numb feeling and realisation that the things I did for him in this time frame are hurtful to me. I organised (since he cannot) two overseas trips, both as birthday presents. I do everything down to buying the airline tickets and even helping him pack his bag. He does nothing, pays nothing and has no idea of the country, sights worth seeing etc. I also commissioned a lovely drawing of his dog for his birthday last year. These things now feel like a slap in the face. I realised today his birthday is coming up and all of a sudden, I feel I cannot do anything for him this year, his 54th. I arranged a hot air balloon ride for his 50th but know the affair had not started till just after his 51st, however, I feel like an idiot for going to so much trouble and being so thoughtful to him when for over two years he was deceiving me, hurting me in a way no one else could ever given all I do for him and the amount of consideration I give him. I put more energy and thought into this the past couple of years to please him and reach out to him. Little did I know he was cheating on me all this time. I am still surprised by the depth of pain I still feel by what he has done behind my back while I was doing so much to please him and showing him how much I loved him. I’ve also decided the next time he suggests we cannot go on or this is too hard, I will accept and call his bluff. He is so dependant on me for everything, so know this will be a challenge, but if he does leave and manages to stay away, I am OK with this too, because then I will know he was not truly here for me at all. For now, I he is working the hardest he ever has on our relationship and doing whatever it takes to address my needs and build trust again. Once we married 27 yrs ago, he never said “I love you” again. When I asked him to, he would reply that he told me once and he isn’t going to say it again… Well, he says it everyday now, sometimes several times a day. This has stepped up since our “fork in the road” recently. Apparently, the counsellor phoned him following my urgent private visit when I learned the time had lengthened and was hurt and upset all over again. He requested my H come for an urgent appointment which he attended. The counsellor explained more clearly to my H about what I am going through and why such information affects me so much and the support I need and time it could take. Seems he got it this time! He came home and told me of the counsellor session and that he is here for me, will do whatever it takes and we will be OK. The communication nights have not recommenced but this has been a good thing for now. We have spent a lot of time together though and its been wonderful. We have been closer and more connected than we have ever been.Our first counsellor session since the “Fork in the Road” is this Thursday 11th, so will see what comes out of that. For now, I am feeling much better and more positive thought the hurt is still very just under the surface. > Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2013 13:07:22 +0000 > To: finitagrey@hotmail.com >

  4. Hey Shattered,

    Haven’t heard from you in a little while. Are you okay? I’m glad to see that hubby when to the urgent counseling session and seemed to “get it.” Lots of folks out here in “interwebs land” care about you, so let us know, okay??

    • shattered27 says:

      I’m Ok, thank you. We have both been working hard at our relationship, each others’ needs and our marriage in general. This means keeping busy and planning outings, dinners and short breaks away from home. Counselling is still part of our regular routine but we are going OK together.

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